A few weeks ago a Robin built a nest on my front porch, those of you who know me will know I was delighted when I discovered this. I did have a bit of a problem with the proximity of the nest to my front door, but whatevs as they say. The Robin built this nest in such a way that if I decide to use my front door I am literally face to face with her babies.
Needless to say, I began to put my face in their nest everyday. I hoped that by doing this repeatedly I would soon become 'Queen of the Robins' and they would eventually come to love me and maybe follow me around a little. Perhaps I could train these little Robins to weed my garden or help me get dressed a la Snow White. Mayhap I could even teach them to steal for me. How perfect would it be if my little Robins hung around drive-thru windows and stealthily swept in and snatched money from peoples outstretched hands as they paid for their food? Flying merrily back to me, with hundreds of dollars a day. I could give up on the "real world" life of working and slaving away and devote all my time to training stealth Robins who bred more stealth Robins.
Robins grow up so fast. The first couple of days after they hatched when I put my face to theirs they would open their beaks and stretch their little bodies up waiting for someone to regurgitate in their mouths. If I didn't eat so much poultry I would have obliged them, but Im no sicko.
Needless to say, I began to put my face in their nest everyday. I hoped that by doing this repeatedly I would soon become 'Queen of the Robins' and they would eventually come to love me and maybe follow me around a little. Perhaps I could train these little Robins to weed my garden or help me get dressed a la Snow White. Mayhap I could even teach them to steal for me. How perfect would it be if my little Robins hung around drive-thru windows and stealthily swept in and snatched money from peoples outstretched hands as they paid for their food? Flying merrily back to me, with hundreds of dollars a day. I could give up on the "real world" life of working and slaving away and devote all my time to training stealth Robins who bred more stealth Robins.
Robins grow up so fast. The first couple of days after they hatched when I put my face to theirs they would open their beaks and stretch their little bodies up waiting for someone to regurgitate in their mouths. If I didn't eat so much poultry I would have obliged them, but Im no sicko.
I was encouraged when I saw the anticipatory behaviour of them waiting for my regurgitated meals, to me this signified trust. Everyone knows if you're looking to brainwash someone you must first establish trust. I began crafting my technique, I became familiar with the tactics used by the CIA. I started watching propaganda films from the 30's and 40's and I began to show my face to them a little more often.
I made some flash cards depicting the difference between debit cards and real paper money, and of course how to seem inconspicuous when staking out in the bushes next to the Tim Hortons. Making flash cards can take time, and before I knew it my Robins began to seem frightened when I put my face in their nest. I tried to speak softer than my usual 'in yo face' screech, but nothing worked. When I looked into their beady little eyes I saw my own face reflecting back through their eyes. Im pretty sure it looked like this.
Due to my true love of nature I didn't want to frighten them out of their nest before they were ready. I decided to cease and desist my mission to create stealth crime Robins, and I've resigned myself to the fact that some species just can't be tamed. I will however continue to harbour wild-life on my property, maybe I should try to incorporate stealth Groundhogs into my master money making plan. They are good diggers. hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
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